Monday, August 27, 2012

As I Sit Rocking my Son

Last night Destructo decided to wake up crying right as I was about to drift off to sleep. All mothers know that this truly is the most dreaded wake up call. You are all relaxed and warm and cozy and bam instant groggy alertness.  So I went in and was rocking him and probably rocked him far longer than I needed to.  It hit me even more in that instant that when I am old and gray, I will never wish I had slept a little bit more.  I will remember those nights cuddled with my little boy in the glider rockie rocking the night and all its scary monsters away.

Then immediately after this realization, Destructo in a moment of uncharacteristic calm and sweetness reached up and put his hand on my cheek and smiled at me.  This nearly brought tears to my eyes.  But the thoughts that followed had me literally crying.

I had flashbacks from my pregnancy and the first year of his life and the last three months of toddler hood.  I saw all his firsts.  His first smile, his first army crawling, his first steps.  (And let me just send a shout out to the big man in Heaven for letting me be there for all of his major firsts.  I really struggled with PPD and horrible anxiety and guilt over being a working mom Destructo's first year of life.  I would have been devastated to miss Destructo's first steps and luckily it was minutes after I got home from work one day.)

Then my sleepy mind had a mind time warp thing going on and I could see all the milestones yet to come.  Kai's first hair cut (which really means he isn't a baby anymore.)  The terrible twos. His first day of preschool.  Kindergarten.  Sports (you know soccer and hockey of course.)  Middle school.  Hitting double digits on his birthday.  His first school dance.  High school.  His first date (when he is thirty of course.)  Prom.  Graduation.  Going away to college.  His first serious relationship.  Engagement and marriage.  My first grandchild.

In theory, I have at least 20 more years until some of these milestones happen.  But if his entire first nearly year and a half can literally blaze by in the blink of an eye, so too will the next twenty years.  As I thought about all these milestones, I can picture Kai in them.  Screaming and hitting when we have to get his hair cut because he hates sitting still (and is it ever curly hair since this momma can't stand the thought of cutting it.)  Wearing his little backpack so excited for all the adventures of preschool.  Telling me about his new best friend that he made on the first day of kindergarten and  how they got to have cookies for snack.

I see him running down a soccer field and scoring a goal, looking into the stands for me to give him a thumbs up.  (Or the alternative vision to this is if Mr. Destructo gets his way and turns our son into the next hockey champ him wobbly on his ice skates taking his first skating lessons.)  Being nervous on the night before middle school starts about getting a locker and having to change classes for the first time but being too cool a boy to admit he is nervous.  Watching him shyly ask a girl to dance at his first school dance (that of course this momma bear is chaperoning.)

High school and the teen years fill me with dread.  Watching him leave the house on his first date, catching him kissing his first girl (when he is 30 let me repeat that,)  and knowing fully well my grip on my little boy is ending and another lovely lady will one day fill the top spot in his heart.  Seeing him all smiles in his tux asking to borrow his dad's nice vehicle to pick up his prom date (and this could also be laughable seeing we like to drive cars until they no longer drive.)  Okay let's rethink that thought asking Grandpa to borrow his Camaro to pick up his prom date.  I see sitting up all night waiting to make sure he safely comes home after Prom and worrying about whether he is making the right choices at the party he will most likely attend. Graduation day in his cap and gown and yellow cords (you know because he is graduating with honors of course.)

I see him getting in his car that while nothing special he loves and driving away to college.  I also see me following right behind to help him settle into his dorm room and clucking around like a mother hen to make sure everything is perfect before I leave.   I can just hear his voice, no longer the voice of a child calling to tell me he is going to bring a girl home for us to meet and knowing in my heart that she is the one God has set aside to be Kai's wife.  I picture seeing the ring he has picked out for his soon to be fiancee and advising him to make sure he asks her dad for permission.  (Mr. Destructo did this with my dad and I expect my son to do this as well.)

I see Destructo in his tux and the look of love on his face as his blond haired bride walks down the aisle.  I see their first kiss as a married couple.  (And yes in my imaginings his wife has blond hair.  If you have ever met Kai, you know why!)  I can just imagine my excitement when I hear the words you are going to be a grandma.  I picture holding my baby grandchild in my arms and being transported to that day many years ago when I held my own newborn son.  I can just picture picking out the features that my grandchild acquired from Destructo.

This will be me in a few decades staring at my first grandchild

And after all this imagining and half an hour of rockie rocking, I literally was in tears.  As my tears rolled down my cheeks onto Destructo's face, I only had one thought thank goodness Mr. Destructo is already asleep because he would make so much fun of me for being a sappy, sentimental woman.  (And now he is going to know all about this if he ever gets on here and reads this.)  My time traveling of last night will help me to remember even on the horrible days how fleeting this time God gives us with little children really is and that I should laugh even when everything is going wrong.  I won't be able to hold his hand forever, but I will cherish it while I can.

John 16:21 When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

This post is linked up at:
Modest Monday 
Mommy Moments 
My Pregnancy Journal 
Titus 2sday 
Tuesday Baby Link Up  
Women Helping Women 

54 comments:

  1. So very well put and I've been in that same mindset many times while rocking to sleep my boys. That first year flies by too quickly.

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    1. Thanks. You just want to grab onto time and slow it down just a little bit. Well unless your child is in the middle of an epic temper tantrum, then you want it to fly by. LOL

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  2. This is a beautiful post and a beautiful reminder to just delight as much as we can in whatever stage we're in. Wonderful verse!

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    1. Thanks! I try to always remember how fleeting time is. He is just getting so big.

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  3. I am reminded of all this every single day... My son is 14 years old and I have a daughter who is 6 1/2 months old. My young man of a son is a daily reminder of how quick they do grow up. I cherish every precious moment with my baby girl as she is. <3

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    1. Aww so you are already experiencing all the scary milestones of teenage hood. Good luck!

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  4. Beautiful post...made me cry!!! Thanks so much for sharing, Melissa!!

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    1. We are crying together. Thanks for reading!

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  5. So true... the seasons just keep on changing and though they are beautiful... i sure wish I had a pause button! Or an anchor! :)

    God, grow me up as you grow my babies up!
    Emily

    PS you will relate to this one!
    http://www.weakandloved.com/2011/08/new-years-eve_13.html

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    1. I totally agree with your blog post. Now I am going to have that for every season song stuck in my head all day. :P

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  6. had to reread, because the tears covered my face. IT is the joys and sorrows of raising kids. We want them to grow up but miss those moments. I can't wait to meet the man Dinosaur will become.

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    1. I can't wait to meet the grown up Destructo. Hopefully he has quite destructorizing thing by then.

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  7. Stopping from Jelli's blog....those memories hit you like a truck don't they! My little guy is just one year old as of a few weeks ago, but I feel like I have forgotten what it was like to hold him when he was little, change his diaper when he would sit still, and many other things. Time goes too quickly...

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    1. Until I read your comment, I forgot what it was like to change an non mobile screaming wiggly toddler diaper. It sure was easier back then.

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  8. What a sweet, sweet post Melissa. This is a good reminder to me to enjoy every minute. We're having a little girl in December, and it's my goal to have this mindset. Thank you for posting; times flies too quickly!

    lifemedschoolwife.blogspot.com

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    1. Aww good luck! Remember this especially in the first six weeks. I kept wishing them away because I was depressed, stressed, and exhausted. Now I would give anything to have a few more days with my baby.

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  9. Replies
    1. Glad I am in good company as I get all sentimental and weepy.

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  10. So sweet, Melissa. I was almost in tears by the end too. I've caught myself thinking those similar thoughts quite often, especially when my baby was still nursing during the night and I had to trudge outta bed to accompany her. It's such a blessing to see the "firsts" and to spend time with our little ones. It makes me sad sometimes to think that I won't have my baby at my side forever, but that's what God designed, for us to rear them into fine adults who do move out and have fine families. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Yep it is all God's fine plan for us. Even if the day he leaves me will be super bittersweet.

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  11. Aww, such a beautiful post... I have these thoughts a lot, I get so sappy and my daughter hates it lol.

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    1. I know. I guess this is just a mom's job huh?

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  12. So beautiful! Recently I have been having much of the same thoughts as you shared here. 9 and 7 yrs is where we are now. Next year we'll face a high school graduate, double digits, a new decade for me (that begins with "3" UGH), and the last year as a Cub Scout. It all goes by way to quickly that's for sure! Thanks for sharing and linking up with Simply Helping Him!

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    1. I hit 30 this year and I laughed because back when I was 16, 30 seemed so old. Now not so much.

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  13. Favorite quote of the day: "....when I am old and gray, I will never wish that I had slept a little bit more". Thank you for putting it back into perspective for me - I needed that.
    I would love to have some company over at my brand new blog: http://farmergirlc.blogspot.com/ It is a work in progress. Thank you in advance for visiting!

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    1. Thanks! I am checking out your blog right now.

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  14. Made me think of many more things to come that I never considered. Found you through Powered by Mom's Spotlight. Beautiful words.

    Come visit at: http://www.100lbcountdown.com

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    1. Thanks so much for reading! I am checking your blog out right now.

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  15. And when they're 14 and you're saying bedtime prayers, you still remember those sweet moments when they were babies. Like yesterday!

    Glad to find you through the Spotlight.

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    1. Thanks for reading. I am glad you still remember all those sweet moments. I forget everything nowadays. I really don't want to forget those moments.

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  16. Hey dear! Your post is part of my A Little Sunday Potluck today... http://www.thefrugalfoodiemama.com/2012/09/a-little-sunday-potluck-9212.html

    Thank you so much for sharing this. <3

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    1. Thanks so much for featuring me! I feel loved. :)

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  17. Made me cry! Beautiful post. Thanks for stopping by Crazy Casa K - I too feel lucky to have found another working mom who misses her little guy! Will be reading more :)

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  18. Replies
    1. I know. Too bad we can't slow down time at least a little.

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  19. I love middle of the night snuggle sessions like this! Makes being a mom worth it :) Thanks for following The Kat Almanac :)

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    1. I know. I hate losing sleep especially on work days where I have to be up at 5:30, but snuggles only happen at night so that makes up for it.

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  20. It goes by way too fast. I want it to slow down, if only for a little while ;)

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    1. I want a remote kind of like in that movie Click. I would speed past the tantrums and fits and sickness. But I would slow down the sweet moments and snuggles and fun times.

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  21. Beautiful post, Melissa and oh, how I can relate. As amazing as it is to watch them grow and achieve new milestones, it's also equally as hard. :(

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  22. Melissa...what a sweet post. I have walked through most of the milestones you listed. Each one filled my heart with joy, even the tough lessons they (and I) had to learn. The good, the bad and the ugly...I wouldn't trade any moment because each has made them who they are today as well as myself. Enjoy each milestone including the hard ones. Thank you for sharing at WJIM last week.

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    1. Yep I wouldn't trade any moment either. They are all lessons learned and memories made.

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  23. Oh goodness..I've had soo many of those moments with my girls, too. I totally get it!

    So glad he woke up and you got to snuggle and have a walk down memory lane.

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  24. Melissa,

    I LOVE this post! I, too, canNOT believe how quickly the time passes. We adopted our little girl at birth and what a whirlwind that was! But, to think that she's already 20 months old...time, please stop!

    Thanks so much for linking up with The Tuesday Baby Link Up! I hope you'll be back next week!

    Christie
    http://satisfactionthroughchrist.blogspot.com

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  25. This is so beautiful, and I can relate so much! It's always the smallest moments that get me. I love experiencing that eternal feeling - like they have been with you forever, yet you're so in the moment, but can still imagine how every future moment will tug at your heart.

    Thanks for linking up at The Tuesday Baby Link Up! Hope to see you again next Tuesday!

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    1. That is a great way to describe how I feel when I am rocking Kai in the wee hours of the morning. I will be back there tomorrow!

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  26. Oh these are all such sweet moments! I can totally relate to that first wake up call right as you're falling asleep. I swear my BabyE does that every single night. Thanks for linking up with the Tuesday Baby Link Up!

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    1. Yep I think babies have a sensor or something that lets them know when you fully lay down and then they time it to ten minutes after that so you can just be dozing off.

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  27. This is just so beautiful and such a great reminder! Thanks for joining the Tuesday Baby Link up!

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    1. Thanks. I try to cherish all the moments even when it is hard. They grow up way too fast.

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